why is it that your still here in my mind and you just never go away.....
is it because you are attached to my heart?
it hurts when I think about you, thinking of what could have been and what would never have changed.
Years have gone by and it feels like just yesterday I was there in your arms...
I have never in my whole life felt like this about anyone and it's crushing me.
the hardest part is that I want to banish you from my life but I know i could never do that.
I want to live happily with my husband and child for as long as I can but there you are making it so much harder to breathe...
I'm not saying it's your fault it's just the way I feel for you that makes it hard for me to stop thinking of possibilities.
I know now I will always love you.... always and perhaps forever.

You infected me a long time ago

When we first met eye to eye

It was an undetectable link between us

That soon became our demise

The link never severed it only became stronger

And soon it was unbreakable

I will never forget your face

Your touch will always bring me to my knees

The thoughts will forever bind me to you

Never a day that will pass that you wont be there

Until I lay down my body and close my eyes

My heart will always have you and you I

by me

So.....

I just found out the most.... craziest/disturbing thing about my husband......... I barely know how to feel about it. Well for one I knew that.. he... was pretending to be a girl on his WOW game for some people.... but I found out that... he's using pictures of ME!!!! He's pretending he'sme?????!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not as disturbed as I probably feel.... or violated.... though I think I'm shaking a little. So he's talking to guys... pretending to be a girl and no I don't think he's playing any jokes, I think he likes pretending. But yeah they hit on him and he.... sorta flirts back.................... i think my husbands bisexual. he just doesn't know it..... I don't know what else to say, so..... i'll talk to you later.

There are things you'll never know.
Things I can't ever tell.
It would only mean distruction.
Of the perfect mask.
The perfect way to life without guilt.
But everything comes with a sacrafice.
I must let you go.
You must run away.
Before I intangle you in my greed.
I'm afraid though.
That your story will come to the end.
I want it all to be the beginning.
Because what I want is forever.
The impossible is with me.
I am the impossible
Perminantly.

It's like that question of weather or not the glass is half full or half empty. If you poured the glass half way than the glass if half full but if you drank it halfway than it's half empty. So, shouldn't the question be did you fill the cup half way full or drink it until it was half empty?

I never liked that question anyway.

Either way that I think about it, I always find the positive side. You drank it half way empty because your soaking in your life. And you poured it half way because your halfway to the full mark of your life being fullfilled. It may not be a question of is it half this or half that it's what are you going to do about it? Life is what you make of it.

Take the good with the bad and the happy with the sad.

You find it hard to believe whats happening before your eyes
As time unwinds and you fnd yourself busy thinking of many things
You can't stop moving, your stuck in a whirlpool but you don't drown
But it's going too slow and it's speeding too fast for you to keep up
A magic trick without the surprise but at the end of it you still smile
It was just what you wanted and more because you knew it very well
Expecting the unexpected and fortelling your own future was simple
It's living at the moment that's hard to do right now; holding your breath
Just as the sky would take it away nothing could do either; time froze
Body shaking, heart pumping, hands sweating, lip biting tortured relief
Than there you are looking at forever in his eyes and forever beyond them
A few simple words, your hand crowned like a queen, you kiss...

Ring Finger
March 17, 2008

It fits smooth and chilly on my finger
The rims shining with bright light
The small delicate rock glistens with sparkles
When I move it from side to side
Fascinating and amusing my nerves
I smile full on right to my core
I bring my hand to my heart
Covering that hand with the other
Caressing it excitedly with fresh anew
With well knowing that it’s forever
And forever it will shine right through

By Ericka a. a. 

What They Can’t See
February 29, 2008

Every day I come home and pray
Every night there’s always a fight
Waiting for me as I walk through the door
Up the stairs and turn right into my tomb
Where I’m all alone with you on the phone
Taking sweet breaths as it hurts in my chest
Knowing that you love me best
Wishing I could be with you now
Makes me feel like I’m drowning
In this place for too long
I don’t know if I’m wrong
But I’m fighting everyday
Just to keep it cool until the day
When I can finally run away
Into your arms I don’t want it to end
Like the little notes that I send
To tell you that you’re always on my mind
There’s nothing but time between us
Before it begins to beat us to our graves
And we stand in a haze of glory
As the light descends and we wont fight it then
Because it’s were we belong
So we can sing songs and dance around
Thinking we’re crazy but it’s heaven we found
In your eyes I can see it holding me up high
Making me fly towards the big blue sky
Happy as can be when it’s just you and me
Something they can’t see


By Ericka A. A.

Stupid Little Thing
February 22, 2008

I’m spinning in circles
I don’t know what’s
Going to happen next

I’m fighting to keep my cool
Biting my lip so they wont
Here me screaming

It’s a war in my heart
I feel like I’m going to break
But I’m pushing it back

Holding it all inside
But it’s bleeding
Dripping inside me

It look like she’s
Scratching the surface
But she’s digging deep

I don’t know if
I deserve this
Because it hurts so bad

I can never win
She always finds a way
To put me down

Sometimes I wish
She’d take it all
And I could just be

Never having to cry
Again and I never have
To die again an again

I’m loosing my balance
Because I’m walking
Barefoot on ice

My demons inside me
Are trying to get out
Fighting to let it all out

You look at me and see nothing
And I feel like nothing
Because of you

Still I try to push it aside
So you wont crush me
And I wont die from the pain

The air is cold and clammy
I’m cold and hating every
Minute here with you

I can’t help but wonder
What it is your thinking
About when you see

The ware and tare on
My heart is stretching
Out in thin lines

What is it you see
When you look at me
Do you know what your doing?

You don’t know that
When you look at me
You hurt me

I see it in your face
That you just don’t care
As you’re stabbing me

Pulling every string
Cuttings everything
Into little pieces

Because you can tare
Me apart with just
One swing

I become that stupid
Little thing that
You call me


By ericka a. a.

When it started out as just a promise, I guess I didn't realise the full extent it would take later. I mean I knew that it was something that would change my life forever, or at least change my life for a new perspective.


Ok, maybe I'm in over my pretty little head. Maybe I don't know what's going to happen next. Maybe I am scared shitless and maybe I don't know for sure exactly what I need right now. But there is one thing I do know. I'm not backing down. For once in my life I'm going to fight for this, I have to, for my own self respect and for Love. True Love. It's going to be really hard in the beginning, to just leave the life I've been living for eighteen years, under my dad's wing. To cut the strings. I have to trust him. I will have to rely on him, as I do my dad. I also have to stand up for myself. I'm going to make a lot of mistakes but we'll see it through. Everything will be o.k. I'll trust God to help me along the way. Wish me luck.

So, a lot has happened. I fucked up at work and let a lot of money out the door and got couched, I felt like shit, and then I slammed my fingers in a glass door, that hurt, a lot! I was stressed out because a friend was getting into danger. I went out to releive myself of this worrying and distroy my knee, that also hurt but I didn't cry (surprisingly), blood, there was blood and I went through it by myself. Thanksgiving, nothing special. Saw Mom, went out to eat, went back to her house played UNO, I love UNO, and beat her ass! lol. Black friday at walmart, wasn't as bad as they assumed to it to be. The only thing that got me down was my very painful knee. I couldn't sleep right at night for two nights and I limped a lot. Oh, it's not over yet, my weekend just started, it turns out, a friend of mine who was supposed to be very trusting, lied to me about something that shouldnt be lied about. He pissed me off, as well as hurt me. I couldn't talk to him, it made me made that I went through so much and cried about it only to find out that it was a fucking lie! Yeah, let him suffer, I don't know if I'll be able to forgive him for awhile, I do miss him, were close and it hurts that he lied. So, the rest of my weekend was deranged and crippled and sourful, and the first day of the week I got nightmares! Great, thanx, this just sucks, not to mention my monthly arrived late and bitchingly. My sister also moved back in, which may effect a lot of things. My dad he's getting cocky and it's pissing me off. Oh, I'm failing math btw, yeah. I want to get the hell out of here! It's driving me insane. I know I'm young and ignorant but let me make my own mistakes, let me see if I can survive the real world on my own. I can't take much more of this parental shit, I still feel like a kid even though I'm supposed to be an adult! I'm a good daughtor more then a lot of girls can say but it's true I know because I just don't do a lot that's really really really stupid. I'm not perfect I'm not better than anyone else but I'm not a terrible person and I don't rebell as much and it's rediculous, I just want freedom! Not a good month but that's life, it is, I'll bear it. I think the only thing that keeps me going is that I know I'll get to see my love in two weeks, I love him, so much and miss him, I can't wait, he'll be mine. Thank God.


Love,
SuperGirl <3

There's that weight again. Liar. Break it. No. What do I do? You're asking me what YOU should do. Me. No, probably. There's a hole now. I can fill it. I can try. I'm not sure what to do. Be me? What good has that done you. I broke you, maybe. You wish you would have turned around. True? Yes. I made you feel something more than you could handle. Why? No reason. Just because. Your life at my fingertips?? How? NO!... wait. I will try. Help me try. I can't give up on you. No. Wrong!!!.... right? There's got to be a reason for it. There is always hope. No. Wrong? Yes. Fuck you. Tell me, I'm wrong. No. What should I do? Nothing. NO! Liar. I can't, you'll die. Maybe. I'm going to do what I can do. What I always do. Love? Yes. But you're wrong? Should I be? Yes. Maybe. Call you? No. Why? Scared. Rejection. Be strong. No. Yes. Yes. It's strong. The weight in my chest. No. The hole is there. Yes. I lied. But I'm not anymore. I lied. Yes. Then your wrong. No. Why? I'm right, I am wrong. But even if you are, would you. Yes. I'd die trying to save you. Whats the point. My heart can't take much more. Yes it can. How? You're strong. I am? Yes. Be strong. Ok. Good. Ok. Ok. Be strong. Yes. What now? Call you. It's late. Sure. Excuses. I'm still scared. Be STRONG! He needs you. Yes. Maybe. Hates me? Yes. Why? I don't know. Yes you do. I'- don't fucking say it! Stop. Ok. Be strong. I live. He lives. Do you? Are you alive? No. Dead. No! Yes. Shut up! Yes. NO!! Yes. Liar!!! Hope. Yes. You're alive. No. YES! Be strong. He's alive. I want to believe that. But you're dead. Yes. Fuck you. Shut up. You want to be. Yes. Why? Something hates you. No. Life-No. You're wrong! Yes. More. It's more. It's deeper, what? Not life. Sadness. Sleep. Can't. Break. NO. Be strong. I am. Yes you are. Love? Yes. More. Love. Yes. Yes. Love.

In Loving Despair
Sunday, September 23, 2007

Could I still be in love when I had made up my mind?
How could it be that I’m still falling even though I have stopped dreaming
Why is this so hard to control and get over
What makes this so special to me that I don’t want it to leave me just yet
Nothing makes sense but everything I feel is real, too real
I’m just wasting away at the thought of these memories
I’ve grown tired and weary of waiting and hating every minute passing alone
My desires are almost impulsive, I keep myself at bay far away
Even with a guarded heart its rebellious nature finds a way out
Stripping itself of flesh and blood until it can’t bare anymore pain
Now numb of feeling the beats of my heart unfelt and pass without notice
A stranger stairs in the mirror of a room of weightlessness
Then a sudden crash and falling to the floor the world towers over me breaking me down
I dare not move because the pain is much worse than before
I’m in the wake of my own nightmare and the demon chasing me is myself
The struggle to breath was much harder now and my pounding heart no longer mute
Everything is called to a rush and then paused in mid-air suffocating me
This death was not sudden for I’m still alive but in great despair
The weight gone, my heart settled and I could breath easily again
Yet, nothing had truly changed, I still desire and I feel just as impulsive like before
It was the same, I only wait now for time to speed ahead again
Only to stop abruptly for the few seconds, minutes, or well deserved
Hours of excruciating pain that remain bound to the center of my chest cavity
I was only trying to live for the moment yet that moment tore vigorously and harshly at me
No longer was it temporarily carved upon me, it would curse me forever
Never to walk a distance without looking back at my tracks
And watching my shadow catching up to me
Glaring at me with its black humor of just a shadow, my shadow, my demon, my pain


BY ERICKA A. A.

I was scared. Scared of myself for the longest time. But I've had awhile to think about it. What our future together will be like and suddenly something more terrifying them myself overwhelms me with future re-thinking. Suddenly I've become aware of your actions and everything you do seems to be exagerated in my mind for the future. Every passing day becomes longer in thought and shorter in time. I play movies in my head, short clips, that shatter my perfect dreams of you and me together. I'm nervous and questioning. I'm loving but carefully evaluating your every move. My heart feels the fear my mind is translating to my body. Even though you promise me ever lasting love and that you would be the wall around my heart, I'm afraid. I don't know if everything I want is exactly what I'll get. I'm doubting you and our love and the future is now more then ever a pending doom. I need to be more careful and I need to extract the answers from you so cautiously that I can forsee a future problem and perhaps cancel it out. This fear grows deeper, this future problem and disaster but my present sorrowful fear of you is more powerful then I fear myself. I love you but in the presents of children I will deminish you to the lowest form on earth, lower then dirt if you indanger them. I will break you and I will do whatever is necessary to leave you with nothing. Don't doubt me, I may fear you but one thing is for sure the more I fear you the more I become stronger in my heart. Please don't make that mistake I'm not afraid to hurt you just because I love you.


<3

Nick: I can't wait any longer, will you be mine forever?
Me: Yes, I will.

Baby, I've always been yours, I've loved you sense the day I met you. You're my everything and as long as you love me I will always love you. I'll be waiting here for you until you return home. I miss you terribly but I will see you soon. I love you with all my heart. Forever.


<3

Dear Diary or whatever the hell you wanna call this thing...
There is a guy who I've fallen for; His name is Nicholas Lynch and he is 21 years old. He is the 2nd youngest in his family and also happens to be in the army at this time. We talk all the time, well, text and has assured me of our future. I had told him to wait to ask me when he comes back home. I have doubts but I'm not about to give up. I have ten more months to think through it all. Ten months until I give myself to a man I have loved for so many years, even when we seperated. Only ten months in counting to give every guy out there one last depserate chance to get to know and love me. Ten months but three years before it's official. I'm in love with a guy that could give me everything I ever needed and more. What is it that I should possibly have to think about? The future is unknown therefor everything to our knowlegde is not completely predictable. In thus, I must pick and choose carefully, think wisely, and do what is best for me in the long run. The only thing that I'm sure of is; no matter what I choose to do, I made the decision on my own, and as long as God is with me I have everything I ever needed.

*heart*

I had a strange and horrible dream last night. There were plans crashing and people dying and it was like all hell broke loose. We were somewhere at the waters edge, the sea, inside this building and people were standing around watching as plans try to take off and fly but go nose diving into the water. It was a horrific site. I didn't want to see it but there were huge windows everywhere I went. I decided to go outside but that was a bad idea. A tornado swooped down right next to us. It didn't really do much of anything. I think I woke up before it got worse. But when I went back to sleep I dreampt that my heart had stopped working and I had only a little bit of time left before I died. I was doing a bunch of crazy shit to get my heart to work again. I have the weirdest dreams. I've been so uptight lately too, I don't know why. I think I'm nervous about Wal-Marts grand opening. I still don't have all the training I need. I'm ganna mess up so much before I get it all right. Not to mention my relationship with Danny. Its been about a month now and I'm already freaking out. I love the damn boy but he'll have a job soon hopefully but that means less time for us to be together. I told him that if we could make it through, we can make it through anything. I hope I'm right about that. Well I think I'll stop writing, I have to get to work in 45 minutes and i wanna relax before then. Ttyl. <3

Lets just say I did for now until I get that inevitable phone call from Patricia. Yeah, lifes been great and I'm not really saying that sacastically to much. I mean I have a great boyfriend that I feel like we've been going out for ever but really only two weeks. He supports me mentally so much. He hasn't got a job at the moment but he said he will get one as the summer progresses, most likely after he gets out of school. He makes me smile, he knows how to make me smile and I love him for that.
Anyway on to bigger news. Last nght I had two mental break downs at work and I finally had enough of "slave"way. I'm pretty sure I did it all wrong but at least I wrote her a note and very politely at that. She'll get the idea. I'm feeling guilty but that's the way it goes I guess. She has some people left. Jones will be leaving her soon anyway. Sucks for Patty. If anything this is my mental... physical day off from labor. Unfortunetly I come to find out we have to clean the entire house today, don't I ever get a break?? I felt sick waking up this morning, it wasn't fun but I think I'm ok for now. Last night really paid a toll on my body. Hmm, I'll have watch myself next time. I'm sure my next job will be better. I mean in the last 7-8 months I've been there last night was the first night I've ever been so close to getting hit by two cars within one hour! Either it was conincidance or a sign I needed to get the hell out of there. Well, I must be off to start cleaning or I'll never get anything done on time to go out and see my boosky. I love him so much. ttyl. PeaCe <3


SuperGirl
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